life after the break up

I was worried about what life would be like post break up. I was worried about going back to Compass, our Thursday night group. At first I thought I couldn't/wouldn't go. Then I remembered my reasons for going and joining in the first place. I prayed for strength. The first time I talked to him after the split had me in tears. A few days later I randomly ran into him at church. I wasn't prepared for this chance encounter, and thus I had an awkward moment with a wimpy half-smile while I walked right past. No hi. No wave. No stopping. I had been preparing myself for Thursday. I thought I was ready. I thought I was over "it." I thought I was over my feelings, both the good and the bad. I mean I had made my list already. So I went on Thursday. It wasn't too bad. Minimal awkwardness. It was different, but I made it through. I was even slightly proud of myself.

but...

Then after I left it hit me. Feelings, and they weren't the good kind. I wish I didn't have feelings. The hurt and confused feelings came back, and they hit me like a ton of bricks. It hurt. The feelings weren't the only source of hurt that day either. The hurt feelings came back with my insecurities. Those yucky insecurities that I quickly dismissed and put away when I started dating him came back. It's funny how those insecurities has been there for so long and were only gone for such a short time, so you would think I would have been prepared and I could handle it. Wrong. So my feelings, insecurities, and I are dealing. Thursday night wasn't pretty or fun, but I made it. I charged on. I went to see friends in Birmingham on Friday and Saturday. A necessary distraction. The event was discussed. Mainly because I had neglected to inform them earlier so I got to inform them face to face. They were kind and supportive. I came back last night which I was happy about because that meant I could get up this morning and go to Sunday School and church. Our group also eats lunch together on Sunday's. I had only been once before, but they were going to one of my favorite places and I wanted to go. I prayed all morning for the strength to go. He was going to be there, and I didn't want a repeat of Thursday. I prayed to overcome my hurt feelings and insecurities. God is great. I made it through lunch and afterwards without hurt feelings and insecurities. I even had a good time. No awkwardness. Just fun. I think I might be on my way to being friends with him...
That's not to say that there aren't hard or difficult times. There are songs that I am not ready to listen to. Maybe one day. There are things I want to tell him. Some deal with our relationship and my feelings. I probably should keep that stuff to myself. Some are just funny random things that make me smile and I want to pass along. However, I don't want to be the ex-girlfriend who is constantly bugging and annoying him. I am still trying to figure out life post break up.